


you could have called

by panchampion



Category: Free!
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M, slight angst with a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-06
Updated: 2016-01-06
Packaged: 2018-05-12 07:00:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5657038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panchampion/pseuds/panchampion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>all the times haruka thought about calling rin in australia and all the times he didn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you could have called

**Author's Note:**

> so i actually wrote this for harurin week last year (like in 2014 whooooaaa) but school kills me!! and i have no time!! so i never finished, but i had some free time this week and since im kinda on my way out of the fandom i thought it would be worth it to finish this before im gone. i hope you all enjoy it (and maybe it'll brighten your moods in light of the recent ship drama... but we won't get into that)

The phone on the counter was dull, somewhat on the small side, and almost unnoticeable. It had the thinnest film of dust on its surface from disuse, interrupted once weekly by his parents' brief but regular calls. It wasn't really anything special or out of the ordinary - all houses had a phone. 

Haruka hated it. From his spot on the other side of the room, sulking under his table, it seemed to glare at him.  _ Call him,  _ it taunted, and Haruka wanted nothing more than to get up and draw a bath, forgetting all about the offending device on the other side of the wall, begging for its dusty surface to be disturbed with use. 

(but you can't really do that, can you?) 

The washroom was down the hallway, the phone was maybe ten steps away. Fewer, if he had been excited, taking leaping bounds across the room to snatch up the receiver and dial the number that has been itching at his fingertips and flashing at the forefront of his mind for the better part of a week. It irritated him to no end, this weird, jittery feeling bubbling up under his skin that  _ he  _ always seemed to invoke in him. It was stupid. Bothersome. Not worth his time or attention. 

(so why don't you just take your bath and forget about it?

...you  _ know why  _ )

For a brief moment, he entertained the absurd notion and thought about what it would be  _ like  _

_ The phone would ring a few times, and Haruka would wait while  _ he  _ bounded through his house in Australia towards the room where they kept their phone, shouting eagerly at his homestay parents  _ not  _ to pick up -  _ it's probably one of my friends from home!

(Haruka didn't want to think about how much it probably crushed him whenever it wasn't) 

He  _ would crash into the chair or the counter or wherever it is that he sits when he's on the phone with the same amount of enthusiasm and verve that he slaps the wall with when they race.  _ He  _ would answer in that breathless, awed tone that had a way of making everything he said sound important, and Haruka absolutely detested the way he could so easily steal everyone's attention (steal  _ Haruka's _ attention) and yet never seem to notice.  _

_ Haruka would respond in his usual monotone, not betraying any of the irritation and excitement tearing at his seams  _

(because he definitely wasn't  _ that  _ eager to talk to  _ him  _ no way

... _ ridiculous _ )

_ and he would giggle and shout "Nanase!" in that ridiculous, all too loud tone that always hurt Haruka's ears with its volume and hurt Haruka's heart with something else  _

(again... completely ridiculous)

He  _ would start to answer all the questions Haruka never asked, bragging about his times from practice and expecting Haruka to offer the same information in return. When Haruka failed to reply,  _ he  _ would laugh and grin that sly, goading grin that was all pointed teeth and slanted eyebrows, irises glinting with a challenge as he leered and taunted, "oh right - you only swim free" and Haruka would scowl and pretend not to care as much as he actually did before remembering that  _ he  _ couldn't actually see him while they were on the phone and feeling so completely ridiculous, his face heating up in a blush he had never been more thankful that  _ he  _ could not see.  _

(ridiculous, ridiculous it was getting ridiculous how much he used that god awful word but there was no other way to describe the very essence that was  _ Rin  _ so Haruka just kept thinking ridiculous, ridiculous until it filled his head like a mantra and - 

\- stupid stupid  _ stupid _ )

he didn't call him.

he only shook his head and tried not to think about Rin waiting dejectedly by the phone, 6,848 kilometers across the ocean, for a call that wasn't coming, and instead thought about how much time he wasted on this idle fantasy - how that took away from the time he could spend have spent in the bath

(and he most  _ certainly _ didn't feel guilty about it later)

*

Haruka set a new record at swim practice the next day. Normally, such a trivial piece of information would not stick in his mind for more than a second, but he couldn't stop thinking about how much  _ he  _ would care, congratulating him and wrapping a stupid arm around Haruka's shoulders and saying how  _ you can’t get too cocky though, Nanase, because I’m so gonna beat you next time  _ and it was ridiculous how bothered he was by the mere  _ thought _ of the touch, his veins buzzing and his heart pounding with what he had trained himself to think was irritation

(but it wasn't and it never had been and Haruka  _ hated _ how he couldn't figure out what it was because since  _ when _ have emotions become so complicated and how  _ dare he _ make Haruka  _ feel _ and then  _ leave _ like the rest of them - )

and it irritated him the whole way home, so he jogged faster to convince himself that the burning in his cheeks was because of the wind and of exertion rather than the thought of  _ his  _ arm on his shoulder and -

( _ ridiculous, _ Nanase, you're being ridiculous) 

When he got home, Haruka made his way to the veranda to hang his swimsuit and towel to dry and thought about calling him. 

It was ridiculous, but Haruka wanted to talk about his times.

He  _ would answer and Haruka would struggle to shape the words "I set a new record at practice today" and  _ he _ would hoot with joyous, surprised laughter.  _ He _ would taunt - “since when have you ever cared about times _ ” -  _ and Haruka would stutter and stumble over his words, avoiding eye contact even though the person he was avoiding wasn't even there and try desperately not to say  _ "since you"

(and it was true, since  _ he _ left, Haruka couldn't  _ stop _ thinking about times - were they still evenly matched, had  _ he _ crawled head, fell behind? where in the water would  _ he _ be when Haruka touched the wall?)

He would try to imagine  _ him  _ in the lane next to him, thinking hard about  _ his  _ ripples and how they were different from everyone else’s, how they set his skin on fire with the desire to  _ win,  _ something he had never felt until  _ he  _ got into the water with him. He thought about  _ him  _ in the water just ahead of him, motivating him to swim faster like no one else in the water could, no on else in the water had since  _ he left _ and -

Haruka didn't call.

*

He thought about calling  _ him  _ on pocky day, which was ridiculous enough to make Haruka blush with embarrassment that the thought had even entered his head. But it made sense, Haruka reasoned, that he would think of  _ him _ today.

(after all, romance was one of Rin’s favorite topics)

He  _ would answer the phone with a warm smile and a slight blush decorating his cheeks  _ ( - Australia was warm in winter, right?)  _ and Haruka would say hello without referencing the date because it was too embarrassing, too ridiculous, that he had even bothered to call but it would be too late, too useless, because  _ he _ would already know. Haruka would wince as  _ his _ all too cheerful voice pierced through the phone "it's Pocky day, Nanase!" and Haruka could too easily picture that awful smirk, the one that made him get too warm, too tingly, and it was just so annoying - _

(get a grip of yourself, Nanase)

_and it would be unavoidable,_ he _would start to babble about all the usual nonsense, times and races and Haruka would humor him_ _but he wouldn't be so foolish to think he could escape it, bracing himself for a conversation he wasn't sure he could_ ever _be prepared to have and -_

he  _ would enjoy keeping Haruka on the edge, probably giddy with restrained laughter at his discomfort.  _ He  _ had always been able to tell with him,  _ he  _ would, without a doubt, sense Haruka's nervousness through the phone. Haruka hated that  _ he  _ could read him so easily, could manipulate his emotions so easily  _

_and while Haruka would fester in agitation,_ he _would be trembling with the effort to hold back his laugh until it simply became too much effort and he_ _would croon “soooo~ is there any special reason you called me on Pocky Day? Feeling lonely, Haru?”_

(and something white-hot always pierced through his heart whenever  _ he  _ called him by his first name - it was ridiculous how easy it was for them to slip into that familiarity with each other, and Haruka had always loved the sound of his name tumbling gracelessly, frantically, passionately, naturally from  _ Rin’s _ lips) 

_ and Haruka would stutter and try to lie but it would be of no use because  _ he  _ would know,  _ he  _ was trained in the art of knowing when to fill Haruka’s silences so he would already be onto his next comment anyway and Haruka would sigh and try a little harder to be more irritated - _

(but it wasn’t working and that irritated him even more because since _ when  _ had he grown to like, to  _ miss, Rin’s _ antics?)

_ \- as  _ he  _ would tease “do you have anyone to play the game with, Haru?" _

_ and at that point it would become too much for him, he would snap an agitated "No! stop asking!" even though  _ he  _ had only asked once and by then it would be too late because Haruka could already visualize the hurt spreading across  _ Rin's _ face, the way his eyes would begin to water as his smile slipped away and his brows would draw back in shock, upper lip trembling with the effort to hold back the tears.  _

_ He would play it off and try to sound so tough, shouting back a trembling "well, it's not like I was o-offering to play with y-you anyway!" and Haruka's heart would sting in an entirely unpleasant, nameless way, his throat would be blocked and the words would fail him like they always did when he needed them most, and he would be helpless to do anything but sit there in silence, listening to Rin trying not to cry through the phone.  _

He didn't call that day, either. 

*

Haruka couldn’t quite place what motivated him to go to the swim club that day. There was no practice, so Makoto hadn’t come over to pull him out of the tub and force him out of the house. Lately, with  _ him  _ gone, swimming hadn’t felt as good as usual, and on a cold, dreary day like this one, Haruka should have been content to stay in the comfort of his bathwater. But he wasn’t, and so he dragged himself out of the bath on his own, bundled up in his winter coat, and began to make the walk to the swim club. 

The winter wind was harsh on his face, and as he walked he had to burrow his head into his scarf to shield his cheeks from the cold. He wasn’t paying attention to much, or thinking much, really, which was sort of a nice break from all the crazy thoughts that had been plaguing him since  _ he  _ left. Haruka’s only concern was the cold, and whether or not coach Sasabe would be at the club to let him in, despite their short break from practicing. 

His gaze was forced up from the folds of his scarf when he caught the red lights of the railroad crossing flashing out of the corner of his eye, and the bells began to ring loudly. He stopped and looked up to see the oncoming train, and ever so briefly, just before the cars blocked his vision entirely, he could have sworn he spotted a tell tale glimpse of silky red hair on the other side of the tracks.

And  _ his _ name tumbled so effortlessly, so subconsciously from Haruka's lips, so quiet he almost didn't notice until he heard it -

_ "Rin," _

\- soft, surprised,  _ reverent,  _ quiet enough that  _ he  _ didn't hear. 

When the train passed,  _ he  _ was standing on the other side of the tracks, gaze down, face flushed, trembling fingers clutching the strap of his bag like it was his lifeline. 

(what happened to all of  _ his _ life?) 

The bars lifted and Haruka dashed across the short distance between them, the weight in his shoes making it feel more like crossing an ocean than crossing the railroad tracks, like somehow he was closing the 6,848 kilometers between them rather than the few meters the tracks spanned.

Rin still wasn't looking at him, and Haruka's tongue felt heavy with a thousand words from all the phone conversations they never had, all the things he should have said, didn't say, didn't have the courage to say, and through the chaos in his brain one clear thought emerged.

(you should have called) 

It played over and over in his head, crashing through his ears like a wave of guilt (why hadn't he called, why hadn't he called, he should have called, he should have called and he  _ didn’t -  _ )

And suddenly,  _ finally _ , Rin was looking up at him, and Haruka  _ still  _ hadn't thought of anything to say.

(you should have called)

"You could have called," he blurted, thoughtlessly, carelessly, and when Rin's eyes widened just before he turned his head away, Haruka immediately regretted it. 

_ I thought about calling you everyday, I should have called, it's my fault, Rin, I'm so sorry _

(that's what you should have said)

Rin's cheeks reddened, and Haruka could not lie to himself (you know it isn't from the cold), and he turned his gaze bitterly to the ground to mutter “That would have been embarrassing.”

and Haruka couldn’t agree more.

He followed Rin into the swim club with a looming sense of fear that something between them was different, wrong, and it was his fault.

That day Rin vowed never to swim again, and Haruka finally found a name for the for the feelings in his heart.

(longing, hurt,  _ emptiness _ )

And when Rin didn't call him for the next four years, it was likely for a much deeper reason than embarrassment.

(to be fair, you never called  _ him,  _ either)

*

Haruka was running late. Practice had run late, and the coach had kept them after for a meeting, and then he had missed his train and Rin was home from Australia, likely waiting for him in his apartment, wondering where he was, and Haruka was late. 

(running home doesn’t mean anything, right?) 

He couldn’t even be annoyed with himself for being anxious to get home. 

As soon as Haruka crossed the threshold of his apartment, he was accosted by a blur of wine colored hair and a bubbling shout of his name. He felt more than saw Rin's muscled arms wind around his waist, warm and real and so much nicer in person than they were over a pixelated and laggy webcam. His eyes went wide as he felt his feet being lifted off the ground, and soon Rin was laughing into his shoulder as he spun him dangerously around the tiny entryway of Haruka's apartment. He should have been nervous, mindful not to knock his feet into the walls lest his landlady be angry over the damage, but his boyfriend's laughter was too beautiful in his ears, warm and clear, not disjointed and fuzzy over the admittedly poor quality of his computer speakers. Haruka let himself melt into the joyous rumbling of Rin's chest, allowing a small smile to slip onto his lips as he pressed his face into Rin's hair. 

Rin let him down with a breathless sigh, hands coming up to rest on either side of Haruka's neck. He leaned absently into the touch, closing his eyes. The peace didn't last long, however. It never did when Rin was around. 

(not that that was a bad thing)

Haru felt a finger jab into his cheek, and opened his eyes to glare at Rin, who had taken to poking his face. "What?" Haruka grumbled. 

“You’re late,” Rin pouted, fixing Haruka with a slight frown that had no real force behind it. “What took you so long? Didn’t you miss me?” he teased, and Haruka blushed. 

“Coach held us for a meeting after practice,” he mumbled. “And then I missed my train.” 

Rin laughed, and then, those words from so many years before - “You could have called, you know,” - they sounded like music. 

Haruka looked at Rin, eyes wide, taking in the playful lilt of his smile, the challenging gleam in his deep red eyes, the relaxed set of his brow, and was struck by how different Rin was now, how far he had come, how little he resembled the lost and dejected boy at the railroad crossing that day. 

(you have long since realized you love both of them)

“Yeah,” Haruka breathed with an absent minded smile, “I suppose I could have.” Rin laughed some more before eagerly wrapping his arms around Haruka’s shoulders and tugging him into a tight embrace. 

"I missed you so much," Rin breathed into his ear, lips brushing delicately against the skin there. Haruka exhaled softly, nuzzling into the side of Rin's neck.

"Me too," he replied, the words flowing to him easily, like water.

And when he took Rin's face in his hands and turned his head to press a kiss to his lips, he wasn't embarrassed at all. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! kudos are always appreciated :)


End file.
